House & Techno Please, Hold the Alcohol

My tales of reentering the music scene after a 5 year hiatus whilst learning to “hold the alcohol.”

When I stopped drinking back in 2017, I stopped doing, well, everything. I stopped going to shows and to dinner with friends and to anything I used to do with alcohol as my social lubricant. I distanced myself from everything because, as much as I loved the music, I didn’t trust myself to truly “hold the alcohol.”

Prior to that, I was at a show in Detroit almost every weekend. Movement was considered a high holiday amongst my fellow-music-loving friends. I wrote for a digital music magazine where I interviewed artists, went to shows, and wrote about all of it.

The other day, I was sitting on the porch with my dog. We were both staring off into the distance, pondering life. And that’s when it dawned on me- what’s stopping me from picking up the pen (metaphorically speaking) again?

Literally nothing.

So, I started a new email to the editor of this digital magazine and asked if I could start writing for them again. For free.

Let’s be real here… Who turns down someone’s offer to work (provide content) for them for $0? Not that editor.

I’ve been making lists of artists I want to interview, shows I want to go to, things in the music scene that really fucking make me mad, and ideas for “top whatever” lists. I am so freaking excited to start writing about music again.

I had completely removed myself from the music scene because I was terrified I would not hold the alcohol.

I was so excited that I completely forgot that it had been nearly 5 years since I’ve done any of this. Because, truly, it feels like it was just yesterday.

Worry not, dear reader, because my anxiety was eagerly waiting for the perfect moment to remind me of this.

Let’s get specific, shall we? As I was creating my lists, I was also on Instagram for inspiration. I realized that I was no longer following the artists I love. Somehow, I had forgotten that I deleted my old Instagram account and started a brand new one where alcohol wasn’t the leading lady.

I mean, yeah, it was easy enough to remedy. Clicking follow over and over again really is more time consuming than anything else.

Ok, ok. Let me get to the point. There was this one guy I had connected with before dropping off the face of the planet. I had interviewed him a on a few different occasions and I think we’re friends on Facebook, which is proof of a true friendship.

Later that same day, after I started following him on Instagram again, he messaged me. It said something along the lines of “Natasha hi it’s been such a long time! How are you?”

This is what I experienced, in order.

Complete shock. I was truly so surprised that he even remembered me.

A hot flash of embarrassment. To be honest, I’m not quite sure where this one came from, but shame is a hurdle we all must fling ourselves over. *makes mental note to bring it up in therapy next week*

Awkward with a side of sweaty palms. It’s like I forgot how to communicate with people all over again.

Avoidance, with an occasional peek behind the curtain. Ok, I want you to picture this. You’re at home. There’s a mountain of dishes in the sink. You know you need to do them and you never really forget about them. And you avoid the kitchen like the plague, but occasionally pop your head in, like you’re confirming that the dishes are still, in fact, waiting for you. That was me with this message.

So, here’s the thing. The fact that it had been nearly 5 years since I wrote anything music-related hit me like the anvil from the Road Runner. And it wasn’t just the amount of time that had passed. I had literally dropped off the planet. There was no warning. I didn’t tell people what I was doing or where I was going. I simply disappeared.

Basically I had ghosted an entire scene.

Now, I tell everyone that they do not owe anyone an explanation. Ever. And I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything.

BUT… I was so worried that I had missed out on too much, that too much time had passed. I mean, the entire world had continued on while I was focused on, you know, being sober.

At this point in my blog posts I usually try to tie everything back to the main point of the post. However, I can honestly say I have no clue what the point is supposed to be anymore.

Ever since undergrad, I cannot bring myself to make any sort of outline. Literally could not do it for even my book. So I just meander through the writing process and apparently lose sight of where I’m going.

Since it’s definitely not coming back to me any time soon, I’ll leave you with these three things:

1- You get to decide what your life looks like. Being a recluse who only socializes in the comfort of their own home is not a pre-requisite to being sober.

2- We downplay our impact on the people and the world around us. I find this to be especially true when I think back to my drinking years. I just assume that no interaction was a good interaction. And that any friends I made during that time weren’t real.

3- Stop making decisions for other people. My therapist told me this one. Any time we assume what someone’s reaction will be to anything, we are making a decision for them. Yup- read that one again. By making that assumption, we are deciding how that person will feel, the action they will take, the things they will say.

Alright, dear reader.

That’s it. It’s all I have for you.