She Would Never

I set a motto for myself this year: she would never. How did I decide? Well, let me start at the beginning.

In early 2021, my then husband told me he was unhappy and then he moved out of the house we shared. He said he needed space, which coincidentally included any and every form of communication.

I spiraled into a pit of panic. It felt like every single aspect of my life was entirely out of my control. So, naturally, I snooped. And to be completely honest, it wasn’t like I went digging into his personal computer or sneakily reading through messages whilst he was in the shower. Throughout our relationship, we had shared everything from documents to photos of our dogs on Google Drive. And he was logged into his account on my computer. I started (and finished) there.

He had saved a chat conversation he had been having with a coworker over the past month or two. In it, he would vent to her about how unhappy he was and all of the things he found issue within our relationship.

Please, Tell Me Everything

I’ve said this before, but it is always worth mentioning, I love knowing things. Like, everything. So, finding this saved conversation I’m sure felt like a prospector striking gold after weeks of nothing. I read through every single thing they shared back and forth.

As you can imagine, it sucked ass. There’s nothing quite like finding out how your partner really feels about you and your relationship in a second-handed fashion.

But there was one part that stuck out.

They were talking about sex. And my ex was rambling about how he was absolutely certain that I was asexual (which, honestly, should be a story for another day). She asked him a question about places we had fucked. To which he replied, “oh, she would never do something like that.”

In the moment, while I was reading those words, nothing stood out because, well, everything stood out.

Now, in December of last year (2022), I was working on my goals for the new year when all of a sudden that memory pushed its way to the forefront of my mind. And this time, considering the words he had said didn’t make me feel sick to my stomach, or like my entire world was crumbling.

It gave me pause.

I don’t remember how long I sat there for. I simply sat with my elbows on the desk, head propped up on my fists, staring off into space, thinking. And that’s when it dawned on me. Just like so many other people in my life, he was underestimating me. He made a decision about who I am and determined that I was less than.

So, I took those three words and reframed them.

She would never.

I shook up my perspective and began to accept those words as a challenge. And, in that moment, I enthusiastically decided that I was going to have a motto for 2023 (and that motto would be “she would never”).